Gambler's Forgiveness
by svulover1227
Summary: Post fic to season 15 episode 17, Gambler's Fallacy. Amanda is brutally attacked and struggles to accept help and forgive herself. Rollivia friendship. Trigger Warning: mentions of rape


**I have wanted to write something like this since I watched Gambler's Fallacy. Amanda is severely attacked following the events of season 15 episode 17. Will Olivia and the rest of the squad forgive her and allow Amanda to accept help? Can Amanda forgive herself?**

 **Disclaimer: contains small elements of rape and self harm. Not much detail but rated M. I own nothing. SVU and all characters belong to NBC and Dick Wolf.**

She stares into the mirror blankly. Naked. Bruised. Bloodied. Vulnerable. After the relentless 16 hours of sexual assault and torture she is left an empty shell of herself. Blood streaks down her thighs and bruises in all different shapes and sizes mar the otherwise pale skin of her arms, breasts, and stomach. Her face is nearly unrecognizable, completely covered with scrapes, blood, and bruises.

After lying on the cold floor of the basement of her apartment complex for an indiscernible amount of time, Amanda finally found the strength to painfully wrench herself from the tangles lump of limbs and drag the dead weight of her mangled body toward a sheet she finds in the bin of laundry. She wraps it tight around her shoulders. Unsure of the time of night she plods slowly up to her own apartment.

Now she stands naked in front of her bathroom mirror. The shower running behind her, drops of water creating a steady beat for this sick nightmare that she finds herself in. Because that's what this must be. A nightmare. She would wake up any second now from this twisted dream and none of this would be real. Not the gambling, not betraying her squad, not losing the trust of her sergeant (the women she looked up to more than anyone else), and especially not the ra...

She couldn't even say it.

The smoke invading her nostrils emanating from the heat of the scalding water snapped her out of her thoughts. She took a deep breath, the steam calming her somewhat, and stepped into the shower.

She gasped as the boiling hot water came into contact with her sensitive skin. She embraced the pain though, needing to feel clean. Picking up the bar of soap, she scrubbed furiously against her raw skin. Thoughts bounced around her as she rubbed the bar mercilessly over her body, leaving no spot untouched. She would go into work tomorrow and pretend as if nothing had happened. After all, she deserved this. She only had herself to blame. If she hadn't thrown her sobriety down the drain, betraying her squad and her sergeant, and causing an innocent women to get raped, none of this would have happened. Now she was left to deal with the consequences.

She winced as the bar of soap touched between her legs, but relentlessly scrubbed nonetheless, watching as the water turned from clear to copper beneath her feet.

Carefully stepping out of the shower, she wrapped a towel around her sore body, wincing as the rough fabric brushed against her wounds. She made her way into her bedroom and smiled as Frannie joined her. Throwing an oversized nypd sweatshirt over her shoulders and stepping into baggy sweats, she finally collapsed into her bed. She cried into Frannie's soft fur as sleep overtook her.

...

Amanda groaned as the wetness of Frannie's tongue roused her the next morning. For a second, she thought that everything was a dream. Then the throbbing pain between her legs made itself known. Tears streamed down her bruised cheeks as she yanked herself out of bed and put food down for Frannie. Her breath caught in her throat as she glanced at the time. 8:45am. She was going to be late.

Running as fast as she could, ignoring the way her body screamed in pain, she ran into her room and threw on a long sleeved blouse and black jeans. Grabbing her purse, phone, and sunglasses, she made her way out the door, snatching her make up bag at the last second.

8:47am. She would be a little late, hopefully go unnoticed and run into the bathroom to apply as much makeup as she could. She briefly considered calling Liv to let her know she would be late, but quickly dropped the idea. She was going to get a searing lecture either way, she might as well have more time to mentally prepare.

...

She rushed into the squad room at 9:18am. She looked extremely disheveled, hair unkempt and sunglasses hanging on her nose (she hoped this would fly in the middle of January).

She threw her stuff clumsily on her desk and turned to run to the bathroom, makeup bag in hand.

"ROLLINS! My office!" Her sergeant's voice bellowed across the room.

"Can... can I please run to the bathroom first?" She asked timidly, eyes downcast. She had expected an ass chewing, coming in late the Monday after she had been in so much trouble, but she at least hoped she could hide the bruises beforehand.

"Now!" Was her firm reply.

On shaky legs Amanda followed her sergeant into her office, dropping her makeup bag on her desk as she went. Her heart pounded at a sickening pace in her chest.

"You're late." She began pointedly, closing the door behind Amanda.

"I know sergeant I'm so so-"

"I don't want to hear it." She held her hand up, effectively shutting Amanda down. "You come in here late and probably hung over right after being saved your job by the skin of your teeth! You are unbelievable! Is this your way of getting back into my good graces? Because it sure as hell isn't working! You need to get your act together before I fire you or transfer you to another unit."

"I... I know sergeant." Amanda takes a shaky breath. "I promise I will and I swear I am not hung over." She continues, holding back tears hidden by her dark glasses.

"Come on Rollins. Don't insult me. Why else would you wear sunglasses in the middle of January?! I just wish you would stop lying to my face! I am never going to regain trust in you if you keep lying! Look at me! Take off the damn glasses!" She yelled in frustration, causing Amanda to stumble backwards a couple of steps. Rolling her eyes, Olivia reached out to grab her arm. As soon as she made contact, Amanda started violently shaking. Tears freely leaking from her eyes, her lips trembled.

"Please" she whispered. "Please stop. I'm sorry. I'm really really sorry but I can't take anymore. Please stop hurting me."

She is backed up into the corner of Liv's office now, rigid and unable to move or snap herself out of the memory she slipped into. Olivia's face immediately softened. She wasn't entirely sure what was going on, but she knew it had to be bad to cause the normally stoic detective so much pain.

She held her hands up in the air in a non-threatening manner, extremely glad she closed the blinds before walking into the office. "Amanda, honey. You're ok. I promise I won't hurt you. I am so sorry if i caused you to feel threatened in any way. I promise I will not touch you again without your permission." Olivia said carefully, scrutinizing the pained detective's features. For the first time she noticed Amanda's swollen lip. Even with the glasses, bruises peaked through and a bruise in what looked like the shape of a hand print wrapped itself around her pale neck. Why hadn't she noticed that before? She was so busy reaming Amanda out she had never even considered that something might have happened to cause her to be late. Whatever anger and disappointment she had felt toward the young detective had completely dissipated, leaving nothing but guilt and concern. She stared at her detective silently, contemplating her next move. She opened her mouth to say something, anything, but was spared the action as Amanda opened her mouth.

"I-I'm sorry sergeant." Came from her trembling lips as she took a small step away from the corner she had backed herself into. "I zoned out for a second. It won't happen again."

Olivia's eyes held nothing but concern as she listened to the blonde finally speak, seemingly back in the present. "Amanda," she began "I am sorry I yelled before. I realize I could be rather intimidating when I'm upset."

Amanda shrugs, "s'what I deserve" she mumbles quietly.

"No it's not. There are other ways to express my displeasure than yelling and berating you. I'm sorry." She hesitated. "Amanda... can you please take off your sunglasses?"

"Um... I-I would rather keep them on for now if that's ok." She began hopefully. "I, uh am really tired. I had a late night."

"Honey," Olivia began. "I am going to need to order you to remove the glasses."

Amanda moved her head around frantically, wracking her brains for anything that could get her out of this. She shook her head silently as tears leaked beneath the dark glasses.

"May I?" Olivia asked, motioning in the direction of her glasses. Amanda stood rigid. "Look, I need to know what is going on as your superior. Either I remove the glasses or you do it, but they are going to need to come off." Liv said more firmly than she felt, unsure if she really wanted to know what was under the glasses.

Amanda had little choice but to comply. She moved her shaking hands jerkily in the direction of the glasses. Rapid excuses bounced around her brain as to try and explain the her appearance. Finally, her hands reached the sides of the glasses and she pulled them slowly from her face, allowing a curtain of blonde locks to drape in front of her face as she did so. Olivia slowly moved her hand and pushed the hair aside gently.

Liv's face when from one of concern to shock in seconds. Along with the small bruise from Murphy under her left eye, resided several bruises, scrapes, and scratches. Her right eye was completely swollen shut and jutted out from her face. Long, red scratches marred the fair skin along her cheeks and her jaw was swollen to a point that made Olivia think it might be broken.

Olivia's shock must have been evident on her face because before Liv knew what was happening, Amanda pushed her aside and ran out the office door.

 **Let me me know if I should continue. I am very new at this so let me know if it is terrible.**


End file.
